Barack Obama Will Not Rotate Your Tires

President Barack Obama will not lower your cholesterol.

He will not personally show up in your bathroom to give you a bikini wax.

President Barack Obama will not get NASCAR to permanently abandon gas-powered cars in favor or racing Priuses

The election of President Obama will not cause Rush Limbaugh, Dick Cheney, George Bush, Ralph Nader to be afflicted by 8 of the 10 biblical plagues.

A President Obama will not get your Uncle Pete to stop making offensive jokes about Hispanics, underage women and your brief period as a Scientologist.

A President Obama will not put Blockbuster out of business in favor of the actually cool video store from your youth.

A President Obama will not single-handedly end global warming, create world peace, or reinvent America in the very progressive image of the Daily Kos™ instead of the up-tight, oft-terrified, provincial, utterly fallible, but still very best Democracy ever that it actually is.

#@!#!@# Barack Obama will @!#@!#! NOT make the Chicago Cubs World Series winners for the first time in a !@#!@# !@#!@# !@@#!@$# !#!@#@!# @#@!#!#@# century.

What WILL Barack Obama actually do?

He’ll appoint Supreme Court judges from the “We ♥ the Constitution” wing of the law.

He’ll get us out of Iraq some number close to 36500 days sooner than crotchety guy.

He won’t start trying to kill Iranian unprovoked.

He will restore some order to the levels of taxation.

Oh, and... this.

Anything beyond that… is pretty much just double stuff on the Oreo™.

Don’t think that’s enough?

Just imagine if we weren’t in Iraq right now. Just imagine if Alito and Roberts were more like Ginsberg and Breyer. Just imagine is we weren’t sending a gabillion dollars a day fixing up something we went and made all broke. Just imagine where the economy might be if we'd never heard of George W. Bush.

As for the bikini wax… may I suggest the Korean lady with the stylishly thin eyebrows.